Rape me

Nirvana doesn't qualify as one of my favorite bands.  They had good tunes, and changed a lot of stuff in music.  I don't swing from Kurt Cobain's nuts like Rolling Stone magazine does.  But I do like this verse of this song: 

Hate me

Do it and do it again

Waste me

Rape me, my friend

My father, truly the smartest man in the world, tells me that denying the ability to see or understand something is lying.  The lie protects me from facing the dangers I perceive in that thing.  The buddhist thing to do is to present myself at the feet of this thing and submit to what it has to teach me.  

Sexual assault is something that disgusts me.  Real sexual assault, real rape, real harm.  But in the spirit of the buddha, I decided to approach it with willingness to understand. 

I want to rape a woman.  Not really.  Maybe really, I'm not sure. No, I'm sure, I don't want to hurt anyone in such a way.  I do want to hurt a woman.  I want to slap her, I want to grab her by the hair, throw her on the ground, and completely overpower her attempts to resist.  I want to pull down her pants, and fuck her without concern for her feelings, for her pleasure, for my performance.  I want to make her suffer, to let my full weight squeeze the breath out of her.

I want to choke her to keep her from screaming.  Regardless of her protests, I want to fuck her in whatever usable hole I find desirable at that moment.  If I have to clutch the back of her neck to get her to bend over so I can rape her unwilling ass, I will.  My hands will squeeze, pluck, pull, twist, bind, and otherwise curl her breasts and nipples into any uncomfortable position I can think of.  

My fucking will not be anything beyond that of an angry, feral, hateful organism.  She will serve a purpose, and once I cum, I will grab her by the hair and throw her out.  

It's very late, and I wanted to share that exploration.  I agree with it. I would not do any of this against her will, truly.  We would have our safe word in place (I'm thinking Nevada).  Or maybe we wouldn't.  

Am I a bad person?  I do not care too much, since I believe some women need to be treated like warm holes, good for nothing more than abuse.  

Whoever this happened with would most likely never see the most extreme, terrible person I choose to contain.  And I would surely precede and follow this act with the tender, warm person I usually am.  

But for those moments I was free to be that man..... I am afraid of what I could be.