Obviously that's the purpose of a blog, even if no one reads it, but what I have to say is just important at the moment. While most of my posts are stories about the goofy details of life, or about what I'm doing, or why I'm confused, or some other psycho babble mumbo jumbo with stops in sociology and philosophy towns, this post is just some things I want to say to some different people. I don't know if I will ever say these things in real life, but I need to say them now.
D: I really love you, more than probably anyone. You don't know how much you mean to me and what you've given me. I try every day to live my life in a way that is good and right because of you. For all of this, sometimes I resent you for making me take and stay in a job I hated, and I am sorry for quitting. It breaks my heart to see your struggles, and I don't know how I can help you.
M: I know you're scared, and I know you're starting to wake up, but it's not fair to burden everyone else with the things that you don't even really care about. Your children are grown, and it's time to choose to be part of their life in a way that is relevant and healthier for you and them. Please get some therapy, you could really do well to just talk to someone, and to live for you.
K: I appreciate your efforts with me. With all of us. I do not envy your position, and I do not know how I could or would have handled it. i think you have given me a different set of things to wish for, to care for, and to seek. For that, I thank you. You have continued the work of others, however, in adding to my distrust, fear, and unhealthy attention to women and their happiness. Sometimes I feel like you draw lines where none exist, and hold those lines when it serves certain people.
E: If you would shut your mouth, stop acting like some sort of child from the projects, and hear me, you would know me. You would know that I think about you more than I care to admit to anyone. You would know that you're beautiful, beautiful for your spirit and unsure words, that I would love to do all those things we've dreamt of together. But you're too proud, too defensive, too virulent to see past your hateful fear. Want to know when I'm coming to see you? When you say you're sorry for your actions, when you admit how you feel about me in a vulnerable way, and when I trust you'll feel the same way tomorrow.
C: For the first time in a long time, you have provided a trustworthy and consistent person for me to believe in. I don't know how to begin understanding your journey in a personal way. You stretch the powers of my empathy every day. You turn ideas on their head, ideas put in place by those who came for you. An intelligent, beautiful, passionate, immeasurably strong, successful woman who can assess, divulge, and believe in the power of her choice and its terrible weight. Thank you for all of this, and I'm sorry I am so afraid, that I cannot do something so simple. My fears and experiences paralyze me far more than you would be able to tell. Please know that I do love you, I'm too afraid to really believe it.
J,C: I love you guys. Both my best friends. I know your journey will be scary, like mine is. Why it is so much easier to feel compassion and motivation for someone else's well-being than our own is complex. I see you pain, and I know the dark roads you have to walk, the places you're too afraid to go, the places we have to go, the caverns we must walk through to find our way to the light. If I could take away this for you, I would. I would take what penance you've assumed and carry it. Please love yourselves, please love one another. Please ask for help, and know that I am scared too, and that I want to know it's going to be ok. We are amazing in our ways, and belong together.
To everyone I care about, or did, or will: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my inability to recognize my own beauty. I'm sorry for the hurtful and thoughtless things. I'm sorry that nothing you can give me will fill me, will fix the leak in my cup. Time breaks us all, makes us recall and hope and waste and cherish. I am not spared, and I hope you can forgive a fool's heart. I hope you can see that I am a man, and I can be great. And I can be human.
This isn't like a last will and testament. This is just things I want to say. We go around and bitch and complain and espouse and praise the people in our lives so often. We do not tell them the things that we want to, and we are left wanting. We hurt those who love us most often, and hope for those who do not. I just realized that I wanted these things to be out of me.
