Worth Pouting Over

The Winner, who I have gotten closer to lately after choosing to stop hiding within myself, and I have spoken for close to 9 months.  I have a webcam, and have used this when speaking to her on multiple occasions.   She has, in the past, whined and pouted and complained and cried about the fact that I don't want to be exclusive with her.  

Exclusive with someone I have never seen in person.  

Never seen smile in real time, don't even know for certain if she is who she says she is.

I don't believe in exclusivity to begin with.  

She's off her nut.

When she told me a few weeks ago that she was buying a webcam, I was immediately happy. Not because I wanted to see her naked or any of that stuff, because, I don't have those intentions immediately in mind.  Instead, I just want to see her laugh, her smile, her eyes respond to my jokes.  I just wanted to connect. To see how my words could be read in her face. 

I still haven't seen her face. She told me the shipping has been delayed on the product, due to some labor dispute on the West coast.  

I'm sure most of you are thinking what I am, "She's lying, she isn't who she says she is.  She could go to her local Best Buy and get the webcam without any shipping worries."

I have to believe her. Because that's what people do, they trust.  I continue to trust in what she says. I don't think I should anymore.  I don't think she's earned my trust. 

I think for all her bitching about my hesitance to be exclusive, she has not given me any reason to want to.  

I think I should give her something to pout about.  

I want to know what everyone else thinks.

Layers of a man

A friend of mine was talking about her boyfriend, well, soon to be ex boyfriend.  She told me in the beginning of their relationship, he was nice to her.  Nicer than me.  She said she was attracted to him because of a subtle bossiness and demanding nature she detected.  She has told me in the past, as well as during the same conversation, that she is attracted to me because I am nice. Because I am brash, cocky, an asshole, bossy, and an overall jerk.  The same subtle bossiness she detected in him was smeared all over me, and the niceness he blatantly poured on her was sparingly given by me.  

Turns out the reason why she is breaking up with him is due to the fact that he has shoved her, threatened her, controlled her, and did all the things she perceived as subtle.  

Turns out the reason why she likes me so much is due to the fact that I am a kind, accepting, tender person.  

Turns out the reason I sit in class, walk across campus, go to parties, do anything socially threatening, etc. and silently judge everyone else is due to the fact that I am a kind, accepting, tender person who is frightened of people.  Frightened that the kindness will leave me exposed.  

Maybe people are who they say they are.  Maybe people are who you think they are.  Maybe people deserve to be emotionally dissected before a word comes out of their mouth.

A note to those who wouldn't leave me the fuck alone

I am a superficial college male.  I want a certain type of female, and I am not ashamed to say so.   I am a good-looking guy, even better once my clothes come off, and I want a very hot girl.  Easy, simple, done.  So don't come at me and act like you are better than me because you dance with all the uggo's.  I don't think I'm better than you, but I do have enough self-control to not rub on someone like that. 

Ya I know how to dance, I just always seem to forget when a fat girl is involved.

A Busy Week

This week promises to be busy, rather, it has already begun to be busy.  Before I move into that hullabaloo, a quick glimpse back at the weekend:

Friday night, a few friends and I went to a massive party.  As far as house parties go, I've never seen a bigger one.  People were paying $5  a cup for some vodka and orange soda, and with about 500 people coming throughout the night, I would imagine the fellas hosting the party probably brought cash to Best Buy the following day to pay for a new HDTV for the house.  Pretty damn smart.  While I was there, I met a girl who is 5'; I like shorter girls, but didn't realize until then just how short that is.  

My family is in the process of moving, and Saturday I did handy man work around the new and the current, soon to be former, house.  Pardon my Tim Taylor moment, but few things reinforce one's masculinity like lifting heavy stuff and using tools effectively. 

Sunday I watched the Dallas Cowboys win, the remainder of some poor football (really, Rams?) and then went to an induction ceremony for the fraternity I joined.  It wasn't anything special, just dress up, repeat some oaths, etc. etc.  I don't completely understand how the pledge process works, but it looks like pledge=bitch.  I'm a senior, and I'll just make the freshman pledges do it.  

As for this week:

More moving.

A date with the 5' girl. 

Flag football.

Pledge events.

Three, count em, three tests.

It's only Monday. 

I love being busy. I feel like I'm doing something, and God knows I need that.

HNT: Request from the 206

Half-Nekkid Thursdays present a challenge: Taking a picture that is alluring, creative, tasteful, new, and doesn't show my dangle.  I feel like I do a fairly good job given the disadvantages I suffer: I don't have anyone else to take the pictures; I'm not a girl, so I can only hide one thing; and no one wants to see me unless I have my clothes off.

Based on that, I took a request from a fellow blogga, and she gave me an idea of what she was looking for.  I think I appeased her.

If you have any requests, forward them to: guy with his shirt off @one dimensional pictures.com/ get a better camera  I will be sure to, within reason, honor all requests.

An Explanation, Sort of

I was going through some stuff last week, stuff that isn't fair.  Why I expected life to be fair, who knows?  Here's a back story, of sorts:

My job is lonely and doesn't pay me, literally, at all. The lack of money means I really can't do much of anything except stay home, and I cannot stand on my own feet, which is a great source of pride for me.  This is a bad place to be, and I don't know how to escape it.  This causes despair.

There are a few females in my life, most of whom I know via the internet, who live a day's trip away.  A month ago all of them were arranging ways to see me in person.  Currently, two have since acquired partners, leaving me to feel like the platonic gay friend.  I got especially upset when a few girls have spoken to me as though they were doing me a favor in talking to me.  Granted, I was probably a little needier than I should have been, but if we were to look into their past histories with me, I think we would have see who has always been the one clamoring for affection.  My pride is something that keeps me rigid, that keeps me standing: I do not show dark, vulnerable emotions, not because someone could hurt me (maybe that's why), but because I need to be seen as a strong, able man.  To think that someone sees me as less, or as a clingy boy, that devastated me when I was already beginning to go to dark places.  

I realized that I need to just live in real life, where I am, with real people.  These girls are not who I am.  I need to take an active role in my life, and just do more.  I am joining a fraternity, puke if you want, but I am still the same person, and I would rather regret doing it than regret not doing it.  

As an update, SL and I have gone rounds a few times over different arrangements to see one another.  I am still feeling a little weird about the whole thing, but I am planning on visiting with her sometime in the next week face to face and modeling for her.  

Which brings me to HNT: a new picture will be posted tomorrow, so I expect to see my blog hits go up exponentially on Thursday like they typically do.  An interesting side note, someone found my blog by googling: "naked nude male men."

Am I that repetitive?

Darkness

I have been struggling the last few days with dark feelings, dark thoughts.  I am better today, which gives me the chance to talk about what I was experiencing.  As a preface I would like to say that I realize how juvenile and immature some of these thoughts are, that I shouldn't be this upset when I am not having any serious problems, that I am selfish, or whatever else. 

As a rule, I don't feel anger as much as I do sadness.  Sadness, guilt, shame are pretty easy emotions for me.  Easy for me to access, easy for me to fall into.  Recently it has been anger, hopelessness, and a want to hurt something.  I find myself with a strong urge to physically harm someone, to really unleash my pain onto them, to release the governors and ache with rage.  My better thoughts prevent me from doing anything like this, so I instead decided it would feel good to harm myself. 

I don't know about cutting, I frankly don't want to have to explain the blood and scars.  I do know that punching or striking something until my hands bleed seems both fulfilling and easily explained (I scraped my knuckles while I was working on my car).  When I played high school football, my position required a lot of impact on my head, the forehead and body.  Something about that felt good, and soothed me, and I miss it.  I am not quite foolish enough to punch myself in the face, but the thought of getting in a fight and taking a few shots doesn't sound terrible.  

When I wake up, I don't look forward to anything.  Well, maybe lunch, but other than that, I just feel like I go to class so that I can graduate, and I go to work so that my parents won't be mad at me.  I then spend time goofing around until it's time to sleep and repeat the process.  I was suffering from overwhelming boredom (not that it has left), but now I just feel quite hopeless. Like nothing will improve, nothing will matter, like tomorrow and today are the same, thus a waste of my life as it is passed doing things I don't enjoy. 

More than ever, I'm having problems enjoying things.  Sex being example one.  9 months ago, I could get aroused over nothing, incredibly out of control aroused.  Massively, full, thick erections that needed to be muzzled and put in isolation for fear of their destructive force.  

Now, I don't really care about sex, don't watch porn, don't want to do anything sexual.  I will jack off, but it's really just something to do, like watching tv.  It doesn't feel good, it just is 15 minutes that I don't have to be sitting.  

I have to quit my job.  I work for my father, with my stepmother supervising, kind of.  I don't have anyone that I work with, I'm basically alone for 4 hours everyday, and I hate the nature of the work.  This is the single thing I can, without a doubt, point to as causing the majority of my negative feelings.  I feel like nothing I do is worth anything, like it is like a fart in the wind. Just gone instantly.  I don't get paid, which isn't a huge ordeal, because I wouldn't want to do this work if I did get paid.  I'm starting to really dislike my stepmom and father, because I feel like they are the ones keeping me here. 

I tried to quit a few weeks ago, and my father told me I couldn't.  He doesn't support me in any way financially, apart from letting me live in his house and feeding me, but I don't think it should have to come to a discussion of me walking out on him.  I shouldn't have to quit being his son for a few weeks just to remove myself from this position.  However, I do not know what I can do otherwise.  The longer I do this, the worse and worse it gets. I know quitting is the solution.  Getting another job where I am around people, where I get to make money and not be in financial starvation mode, and where I can just be happier with my family will create a much better atmosphere for myself.

Until that happens, I am trying to avoid those parts of me that can cause damage.