I thought time had passed, I was older, wiser, more mature. I could compartmentalize, set feeling aside from pleasure. I was wrong.
From the moment I walked in the room, everything about my heart said "Run, get away, leave." It had nothing to do with her, she was fine. My mental discord just split me in two. It wasn't fear, or maybe it was. I believed that if I just pushed through it, I would be fine on the other side. I thought I just needed to conquer it and go on. I was wrong
In the spirit of honesty, I will admit: I was so uneasy, I couldn't even find the spirit to stand up and do my job. I am such a fucking moron, talking about how I want something, how I need it. No better than a 5 year old wanting a BB gun or a 15 year old wanting a dirtbike. When it comes down to it, it wasn't right. My morality killed me. I thought that I had divorced my shame, my embarrassment. I was wrong
With some oral persuasion, I got the motivation to get my erection. Then I did what I was asked to do. On my pride I rested as I drilled her face into that pillow. It was the only thing I could find footing in. I stayed to prove to her and myself that I can come in, and please a woman and leave. I came in to prove to myself that it was ok to do that. I did not run so I could prove how strong I was. I was proven wrong.
And now I am disgusted with myself. Feeling the antithesis of what I expected to feel, what I wanted to feel. I could not be any more shamed. I am a fool. Tonight was the worst decision I have made in the past 12 months. My pride put one foot in front of the other into that room. My shame lit my tail as I streaked away. Guilt and shame and resentment and self-loathing are back. And the only solace I have is in myself, the only face I can look to for comfort is the one in the mirror. Never again, ever. I am a terrible person for becoming the man I swore to be better than. I lied to myself, and I have to live with that distrust. Disgusting.
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