In response...

I wrote that post quickly, I wrote it in the moment.  In stream-0f-consciousness style.   There were places that were reality, were true, but the majority of it was my effort to submit to the idea.  The I want's were my roleplaying, my pretending, my empathizing with people who do sexually assault others.  

There are some women who enjoy the idea of all of this, who want to experience a situation like rape.  Protected, controlled, safer, with a partner they trust, but experience it nonetheless.  

Everyone contains human emotion, or the capability for it, on a wide spectrum.  Everyone holds the power to be dark, poisonous, hateful, an abuser.  Everyone. Denying that part of yourself is unhealthy, is repressive, is dishonest.  I am exploring my feelings, all of them.  I want to know myself, know my heart, know who I am.  People unwilling to understand themselves live in fear.

Since Richard brought up Freudian psychology, an outdated and empirically lacking approach, I'll phrase it in said terms:  Everyone contains a Thanatos, our lives are full of repressive powers minimizing our most basic drives.  The ego regulates this issue of mediating between the darkness and the social expectations on us.  Freudian therapy requires one to come to terms with these repressed desires, the catharsis easing the conflicted feelings inside.  

I take exception to the notion that I flirt with psychopathic tendencies.  F. Scott Fitzgerald said, "The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function."  Without my ability to see something as someone else sees it, I am nothing.  

There was fantasy in my post yes.  However, the true intent remains the same.  To everyone who has been a victim of such a terrible thing, I feel for you.  And that's what I want, to empathize with the assaulted and the rapist.

I have been assaulted, sexually.  Multiple abusers, multiple times.  I can't even have relationship-free sex with a consenting partner without feeling terrible.  Fact is, I'm not psychopathic, I'm not a wicked person.  Instead, I am willing to search for the parts of myself that scare me.  Sorry for the apologetic post, but damage control seemed necessary.