This is an older picture of me paddling. My arms are naked, so it counts. It's raining like made here, so that means I'll get to paddle (hopefully) these next few days.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
HNT: Rain comes and brings with it paddling
This is an older picture of me paddling. My arms are naked, so it counts. It's raining like made here, so that means I'll get to paddle (hopefully) these next few days.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Currently, ish
I just noticed that I use "ish" a lot. Anyhooser, I just graduated from college.
Hold the applause, cancel the parade, it was an undergraduate degree, and I am not a convicted felon or disabled person. College was like high school, with longer papers and more irrelevant classes and more politics in the classroom. It was NOT hard, it was NOT a challenge, and it was not that enjoyable. Not the time of my life, not the best years, not any of that.
Now I'm a college degree holder with absolutely no plan for the future. I don't know what career I will choose, I don't have any romantic interests (more on that subject in a moment), I still live with my parents. This is a popular sentiment, I'm sure.
I think most people who ask "So, what are you going to do now?" are just misguided and making small talk. For my entire life to this point, someone has told me what the next step is, what I will do. School was my life, my career, my identity. It was my obligation. Now I have nothing to define me. Thrown into the world with a college degree and a sarcastic mouth, and expected to know more than I do.
Don't mistake this for complaining, because I'm happy to be out of school. I did it for 17 years, and I'm glad it's over. Am I talented enough to succeed in graduate school? yes. Do I want to go? That's a mixed question. Something within me wants to go, but I think for the wrong reasons. The only reason I feel grad school would serve would be to delay having to make a decision and begin my adult life. I would argue there is a healthy portion of grad school students who do this, and I have a precious life to begin. (read sarcasm there)
So what DO I plan to do at this point? I am going to go get a waiting job: something at a chain restaurant like outback or tgi lick my pussy's. I can make 800 bucks a month, work 20 hours a week, and do what I want during the day. This is my immediate plan for the summertime, and I'll see what happens come september.
Romantically: SG walked right into me, literally, at graduation. It was a little awkward, because the last time we spoke, it ended poorly. I didn't write about this, I was pissed off and embarrassed, and it may be something to write about later. She is crazy, and hot, and I could have (and still may be able to) fucked her any time I desired. I didn't because of a lot of reasons, but that doesn't stop me from knowing how sexy she is.
A girl who has been vaguely mentioned before, and I are getting close. She lives some ways away, and plans to visit me over the summer. I'll call her Virginia. I'm excited to see her, but feel not completely committed. I feel like she entertains me, and we converse easily, but there are a lot of things I feel like I am missing with her. She's beautiful and fun and sweet and a bit of a freak, and I do like her a lot. Some X factor seems to not be there.
Two other people to mention in this heading are The princess (total daddy's girl with a chip on her shoulder) and the brag (she continually talks herself up like she's selling herself as a brand). The princess and I used to be very, very close, and I still like her a lot. She is sparks, she is reactive, and I really like it. It's a weird thing between me and her, as she is kinda hot and cold with me.
The brag is attracted to me, likes me more than she will admit, and is trying way too hard to impress me (I wish I could show you some of the things she says, it's like a junior high boy trying to out do another junior high boy). The kicker about that resides in the fact that she also doesn't want to admit it. She and a guy kind of maintain a relationship (they used to date, broke up, and still fuck), and it's a little too sophomoric for me. She's hot though, and a lot of a freak. Actually, all three of the girls here are freaks, in the same ways. Interesting
Hold the applause, cancel the parade, it was an undergraduate degree, and I am not a convicted felon or disabled person. College was like high school, with longer papers and more irrelevant classes and more politics in the classroom. It was NOT hard, it was NOT a challenge, and it was not that enjoyable. Not the time of my life, not the best years, not any of that.
Now I'm a college degree holder with absolutely no plan for the future. I don't know what career I will choose, I don't have any romantic interests (more on that subject in a moment), I still live with my parents. This is a popular sentiment, I'm sure.
I think most people who ask "So, what are you going to do now?" are just misguided and making small talk. For my entire life to this point, someone has told me what the next step is, what I will do. School was my life, my career, my identity. It was my obligation. Now I have nothing to define me. Thrown into the world with a college degree and a sarcastic mouth, and expected to know more than I do.
Don't mistake this for complaining, because I'm happy to be out of school. I did it for 17 years, and I'm glad it's over. Am I talented enough to succeed in graduate school? yes. Do I want to go? That's a mixed question. Something within me wants to go, but I think for the wrong reasons. The only reason I feel grad school would serve would be to delay having to make a decision and begin my adult life. I would argue there is a healthy portion of grad school students who do this, and I have a precious life to begin. (read sarcasm there)
So what DO I plan to do at this point? I am going to go get a waiting job: something at a chain restaurant like outback or tgi lick my pussy's. I can make 800 bucks a month, work 20 hours a week, and do what I want during the day. This is my immediate plan for the summertime, and I'll see what happens come september.
Romantically: SG walked right into me, literally, at graduation. It was a little awkward, because the last time we spoke, it ended poorly. I didn't write about this, I was pissed off and embarrassed, and it may be something to write about later. She is crazy, and hot, and I could have (and still may be able to) fucked her any time I desired. I didn't because of a lot of reasons, but that doesn't stop me from knowing how sexy she is.
A girl who has been vaguely mentioned before, and I are getting close. She lives some ways away, and plans to visit me over the summer. I'll call her Virginia. I'm excited to see her, but feel not completely committed. I feel like she entertains me, and we converse easily, but there are a lot of things I feel like I am missing with her. She's beautiful and fun and sweet and a bit of a freak, and I do like her a lot. Some X factor seems to not be there.
Two other people to mention in this heading are The princess (total daddy's girl with a chip on her shoulder) and the brag (she continually talks herself up like she's selling herself as a brand). The princess and I used to be very, very close, and I still like her a lot. She is sparks, she is reactive, and I really like it. It's a weird thing between me and her, as she is kinda hot and cold with me.
The brag is attracted to me, likes me more than she will admit, and is trying way too hard to impress me (I wish I could show you some of the things she says, it's like a junior high boy trying to out do another junior high boy). The kicker about that resides in the fact that she also doesn't want to admit it. She and a guy kind of maintain a relationship (they used to date, broke up, and still fuck), and it's a little too sophomoric for me. She's hot though, and a lot of a freak. Actually, all three of the girls here are freaks, in the same ways. Interesting
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
I want to Break free
I want to Break free,
I want to Break free.
I want to Break free from your lies, you're so self-satisfied, I don't need you.
I want to Break free.
God knows I want to break free.
I've fallen in love,
I've fallen in love.
I've fallen in love for the first time. This time I know it's for real.
I've fallen in love.
God knows I've fallen in love.
These verses oppose one another. I sing the first to the mirror, to the man who kills my heart, who is so sure of what should be. I've alluded to a Jekyll/Hyde type relationship within myself, but I think this is different. I can see myself in a chair, with another me in a chair sitting across: I grab me and shake me and say, "Get over it, move on, stop with this, stop feeling like you do. Go seize what you must." But I can't let go of the fears, the anxiety, and the concern. I'm so afraid of things.
The fear in me has washed the walls of color and put me in a cell. I build walls to protect, they imprison. I build a tower to judge and scorn, it isolates. I build armor to cover, it pins me to the ground.
Did you ever feel like one moment in your day, one moment in your week, the month could change your life forever? Feel like you were searching for it every second? Like a movie, or a novel, or the mythos you worship in your mind, something or someone MUST come along and wash your soul over with experience that makes you the man you want to become! Every day is that day for me. I cannot see beyond this waiting, waiting, waiting. No one comes to me, nothing changes me. My stubborn will bends to none, and I am the master of my fate.
That paradox is ridiculous: I am the master of my fate who is waiting for something to happen TO me?
Know why a girl hasn't come along and sneaked into my heart? I look to keep them away, I find ways to not be around them.
Know why I am graduating college and still don't know what I want to do? I continue to not commit.
I capitalized Break. I want to Break free from myself. From the binds of my blasphemy. I cannot be perfect and flawless, to do so is to be God, or attempt to. I forsake my humanity and wonder why I can't feel. God damn if I haven't broken my own heart, over and over. Never good enough, never matching up to what I SHOULD be. I see my infinite potential and cannot love it, I have to destroy my inability to know and do and be and succeed at everything. Not mommy or daddy's fault, mine.
I have fallen in love with myself, in the past, with the grace and understanding of being human. My most real and powerful experiences have been so simple, so epically uneventful.
But life still goes on,
I can't get used to living without you by my side.
I don't want to live alone.
God knows I've got to make it on my own.
So, can't you see, I've got to break free.
I want to Break free.
I want to Break free from your lies, you're so self-satisfied, I don't need you.
I want to Break free.
God knows I want to break free.
I've fallen in love,
I've fallen in love.
I've fallen in love for the first time. This time I know it's for real.
I've fallen in love.
God knows I've fallen in love.
These verses oppose one another. I sing the first to the mirror, to the man who kills my heart, who is so sure of what should be. I've alluded to a Jekyll/Hyde type relationship within myself, but I think this is different. I can see myself in a chair, with another me in a chair sitting across: I grab me and shake me and say, "Get over it, move on, stop with this, stop feeling like you do. Go seize what you must." But I can't let go of the fears, the anxiety, and the concern. I'm so afraid of things.
The fear in me has washed the walls of color and put me in a cell. I build walls to protect, they imprison. I build a tower to judge and scorn, it isolates. I build armor to cover, it pins me to the ground.
Did you ever feel like one moment in your day, one moment in your week, the month could change your life forever? Feel like you were searching for it every second? Like a movie, or a novel, or the mythos you worship in your mind, something or someone MUST come along and wash your soul over with experience that makes you the man you want to become! Every day is that day for me. I cannot see beyond this waiting, waiting, waiting. No one comes to me, nothing changes me. My stubborn will bends to none, and I am the master of my fate.
That paradox is ridiculous: I am the master of my fate who is waiting for something to happen TO me?
Know why a girl hasn't come along and sneaked into my heart? I look to keep them away, I find ways to not be around them.
Know why I am graduating college and still don't know what I want to do? I continue to not commit.
I capitalized Break. I want to Break free from myself. From the binds of my blasphemy. I cannot be perfect and flawless, to do so is to be God, or attempt to. I forsake my humanity and wonder why I can't feel. God damn if I haven't broken my own heart, over and over. Never good enough, never matching up to what I SHOULD be. I see my infinite potential and cannot love it, I have to destroy my inability to know and do and be and succeed at everything. Not mommy or daddy's fault, mine.
I have fallen in love with myself, in the past, with the grace and understanding of being human. My most real and powerful experiences have been so simple, so epically uneventful.
But life still goes on,
I can't get used to living without you by my side.
I don't want to live alone.
God knows I've got to make it on my own.
So, can't you see, I've got to break free.
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