I am suspending my blogging.  My dozens of unfinished entries, my incredibly busy schedule resulting from finals, my ambivalence towards my original desire, and my apathy just dictate that right now I need to give it a rest.  It's getting a little difficult to keep the drive alive, and I am having some reservations about some things that have come to my attention.  Moreover, I feel different than I did when I started.  My interests are not the same as they were.  Standing in a different place while looking at the same things, the definition of maturation.  I can't keep doing the same things, my world does not tolerate still.  Still is ugly to me, I want to move, want to go, want to be in the middle of something motion, leave the eddy and touch the aerated water.  

TMI Tuesday: This one is really grown-up

1. Marriage and children aside, what has been your greatest accomplishment in life?

-Hahaha. Marriage and children aside, psh. As if I could simply set aside all 18 of my bastard sons.  I suppose  being who I am is the greatest success I have.

2. Aside from healthy and happy children, what is your greatest ambition for the future?

- Grow to be a great husband and father.  Be great.  A great man

3. If we were to enter your real name in a search engine, what would we find?

-A whole lot of people who have the same name as me. Blogs, Myspace music pages, even some Wikipedia articles

4. Who is the most famous person you ever met (not just in the same room as, but actually spoke with)?

-Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  Brad thought my Borat impression was funny.

5. Parents aside, who is your biggest hero?

-It used to be Michael Jordan, but I'm going with George W. Bush.

6. Someone once worked out the sexual version of Six Degrees of Separation - Celebrity A slept with B, who slept with C, who slept with D, making as sort of connection between A and D. Are you connected to anyone famous through six or fewer bonks?

-I haven't asked all my partners who their partners were partnered with.  So this question is not something I can roll with.

PG

When I write posts in a flux of emotion, I usually want to come back and read them before I actually post them.  Yesterday I didn't do that, I slapped it up there without letting it grow cold on me.  Having experienced time away, I still think I made the right decision.  She shared some things with me that I did not relate in my post, some things that I felt were private to her.  While I understand that this blog is anonymous and she disclosed the information to someone she hardly knew, they still felt very secret.  

We exchanged some texts the next day, basically as a means for me to give her my number.  I don't really know where I want to go from here.  It felt good to do what we did.  My naivety, inexperience, whatever label you want to affix to it might be tainting my views, but it just felt natural.  Carefree, fun, organic interactions.  The time leading up to the bedroom were fun, and I had a really good time.  I like her.  I'm attracted to her heart.  Broken and fucked up as it might be, I am drawn to it.  Most likely because my broken, fucked up heart aches for the chance to fix someone else's.  Her hotness is a factor, but I stopped short of having sex with her for a reason.  My friends asked me at the party what my intentions were, and I remembered saying I just wanted to have sex.  Something changed, and I changed my mind.  

Right now I'm feeling really squishy about the whole thing.  Squishy being the word I use to describe the softer side of me: the romantic, the vulnerable, the faithful.  And here is what I wonder, do I feel squishy about her? Or do I feel squishy about the idea of a relationship?  Watching a movie with her, talking to her in soft voice, telling her the blanket she's had since grade school is still ok to cover up with, all of this pulled at my squishy part.  To be clear, I'm not in love with her, not really sure she's a stable or logical person.  At this moment I am enamored with the idea of having a female I can share the softer moments with.  

As good as those relationships are, I am not looking forward to being involved in one.  I am a different person than the guy who made his mistakes with that girl, but I am not sure how different I will be once I enter back into that room.  The exploration and understanding of another person, the honesty it takes, the bravery required, the challenge of discovery enthralls me.  The sting of the backlash paralyzes me.  So now the question is clearer:

Am I willing to love someone so that I can be in love, or am I too neurological to escape my preventative techniques?  

I suppose, thinking back, that the good times are worth the bad, and all the stupid cliches you can dream up.  Maybe, after a year and half, I can go do it again.  If I get slapped down, I'll at least have a little more fun, and know a little better, and learn a little more.  All my talk about the emotional intelligence of the college aged might be true, but maybe I need to be reckless with my heart for a little while.  

I guess with her, I'll just play it cool and not text her, let her come to me, or not.  I'll just buckle and call her and ask her if she wants to go grab a smoothie and talk for 20 minutes, or not.  I would much rather never talk to her again, if she wanted it to be a single occurrence.  I never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, want to be the fool.  The feeling of being played, embarrassed, needy, desperate, out of power and control is the most aversive and despicable feeling in the world.  And now that I've established how one crazy person is drawn to another, I suppose I'll shut up

Penguin is a very funny creature.

I have no qualms about saying last night was the most fun I have had since I have been in college.  The party I went to was full of people I knew, people I liked, and people I could have a good time with.  People weren't just standing around working the 16 oz. plastic cups, the mood was light, and everyone was enjoying themselves. I got my mojo working early on, landed some numbers, pissed some people off, had a good time.  The first girl was pretty darn cool, and had some nice teeth.  I'm a sucker for a good set of chompers, what can I say? 

As the evening progressed into the morning, I caught the eyes of someone looking at me.  The room was dark, someone had turned on the black lights (classy, I know), and these ghostly blue eyes kept their gaze on me.  We started talking, and we started having a lot of laughs.  The blue eyes were coming from the hottest girl at the party, the hottest girl I've ever seen at a party, and, pending further input from respected sources, the hottest girl I've ever seen on campus.  Blonde, dark tan, so petite she can wear kid's clothes, and a beautiful set of lips. Lips so sexy and perfect they looked synthetic.  Not big lips, just the shape and pucker of them made me jump.  I was playing with her a lot, teasing her, carrying on.  She couldn't help but playfully hit, touch, lean in to, and all other forms of sophomoric flirting involving contact me.  She kept testing me, trying to leave to watch me follow.  I stayed firm, and she cam back.  We danced, we kissed, we enjoyed the comfy ass leather couch at the house.  When it came time to leave, she invited me and my friends back to her place to hang with her and her friends.  

Cutting to the juicy stuff, I wound up in her room, with the lights off, so that we could watch a movie.  Honestly, why even try to put up the façade? Just lay it out there, and let it ride.  Before we could turn the lights off, I noticed the abundance of penguins in the room.  We are talking a lot of penguins, everywhere: posters, books, figurines, beanie babies, and the stuffed penguins on the bed, each of whom were named.  Without any hassling from me, she began apologizing and saying she was sorry for all the penguin stuff.  She said she hoped I wouldn't think she was weird, and really became almost afraid.  I told her it was ok, girls can get away with the penguin stuff.  But in that moment, and a few minutes that followed, I felt like I saw her vulnerabilities.  She seemed very lonely, sad, bereft of joy.  Suddenly, I didn't want to hit-it and quit-it.  I felt really, really sorry for her.  

We exchanged massages.  Well, she walked on my back, the awesomest thing ever, especially when it's a person with small feet!  I did give her a proper Shitzsu massage before we took advantage of the movie setting to make-out.  By this time, it was really late.  The sun would be coming up soon, and she said she needed to sleep.  I agreed, and prepared to take my leave.  Then she said, "Do you want to go to sleep?"  I took the hint, and again saw the same loneliness I had seen earlier.  This wasn't a woman ready to ravish some guy in her penguin-padded pad, this girl asked with shame in her voice.  Almost like, "If I fuck you, will you accept me?"  This maybe isn't the best wording, but I felt her sorrow in the question.  I said that I could let her sleep, and that I had spent a great night with her, and I would see her again sometime.  Then she reinforced my empathy when she asked if I would stay with her.  

This girl is about my age, cosmopolitan beauty, an incredible body, and I'm sure has been pursued by many people who put me to shame.  But at 4:30 in the morning, with her best friends a room away, she asked some guy she had known for 4 hours to sleep in her bed with her.  Not to fuck, not to cuddle, not to make-out, to sleep.  In the hours that followed in her bed, I didn't sleep.  She clung to me like ivy to a wall.  I wrapped my arms around her, encircling her, breathing with her.  I could not stop hurting for her, for the pains she must have suffered, for the emptiness she felt.  Maybe some of it was projection, but I think a great part of it was shock.  This girl should never have to spend a second alone, countless men would worship her, but I think that's how she feels so much: alone.  This completely broke my perspective on women.  These incredibly beautiful women are valued for this gift they had little to do with, most likely (I don't know, since I am neither a woman nor beautiful) misled and deceived about the amount of love they are receiving, and then betrayed to find out they were not loved for their person, but for their face.  

I finally got why women like this simultaneously adore, flaunt, employ their beauty while they resent, mourn, wish to be relieved of it.  What a conflict that must be, and how lonely it must feel.  I am sorry for her, and for any person who has ever felt betrayed by their own body.  The night (morning would be more accurate) was uneventful, except for the inordinate amount of trips to the potty I had to take.  The party was very hot, and I drank a lot of water, and I remembered every 15 minutes why drinking a gallon and a half of water before bedtime is a bad idea.  

I wrote this post as soon as I could, to capture this sudden new view.  Fact is, I may have misjudged the situation completely.  She might have been a little tipsy, a little sleepy, and that's why I saw her actions like I did.  But the progression makes sense to me, or at least it did at 6:30 in the morning when she was balled up on my body, and I was watching the sunrise through the window. Day broke across my face, and over the face of the penguin on the bed.  A cold world like that would be nice to escape from in the warmth of caring arms.

PS

This is a Silly Symphony, Walt Disney style, about penguins.  I like the song, reminds me of her.

HNT: Hot Hands

The back of my hands got sunburned recently.  Only the back, as I was wearing something that covered the arm all the way to the wrist.  Funny as it is, honestly who puts sunscreen on only the back of the hand? Obviously this doofus guy should've.  I was walking around at school looking like I was wearing red gloves.  

It was a task to take this picture: playing the piano, balancing the camera, and making sure it was properly aligned.  Up until now my pictures have been a little provocative, but I have decided to remember my roots and take a more chaste snapshot.  I had to capture the sunburn hands, and piano is the only way I could think to employ them in a meaningful way. 

TMI Tuesday: It's better than thinking of my own idea

1. If you could describe yourself through a dance what would it be?

-The ChaCha Slide. 

2. What about describing your sex life through a type of dance?

-The Twist

3. What's one move on the dance floor sure to turn you on?

-Is this me turning myself on or....? I'm going with a good hip roll

4. Is there a dancer you would love to be with? (dancer can be used as loosely as you want)

-Tiny dancer

5. What moves do you pull out to impress someone new?

-I'm almost 6 and a half feet tall, white, and straight.  I can dance pretty well, but I usually take advantage of my silly side when I want to impress.  Now if you were to ask what I do to turn someone on, that's something I can handle.  I don't dance to impress.

SG, an update

As one of you already knows, the female known as SG has returned.  Not in the "I'm going to text you whenever I'm bored" way, but in an interested and wanting way.  She has been texting me all hours of the day, and I have been playing it surprisingly aloof.  Surprising in that I have been able to remain very guarded, and not stick my big dumb foot in my mouth and surrender my power to her.  

I think anyone dealing with college aged male and female relationships recognizes the emotional maturity this requires, and I will not disagree with this assessment.  If you want to play ball, sometimes you have to play by the home court rules.  Whoever can remain seemingly apathetic, confident, hide their neediness and desperation longest wins, so I will be sure to hold out.  

As for the girl in question, she stands about 5'3, weighs maybe 105 lbs., has natural blonde hair, clear blue eyes, and is so hot she nude models for the University art classes (we are in discussion about how I can get involved, 9 bucks an hour to stand around naked ? Hell yes! I'm in).  And good God she is silly! If I weren't so tentative about the things that have happened in the past with her, I would be more apt to be interested in her.  For now, I just know she's hot interested in me, and forgets to be relieved of her cell phone when she gets drunk.

3:46 am: "I can't wait to be alone with you."

I was asleep by this point, she was out "with her girls."

3:56 am: "And I want our first kiss to be amazingly perfect. Yes that means I want to kiss u...My girls say it's gonna be awkward when we kiss, cuz you're like a foot taller."

Before this, no mention of us even hanging out had been made.  It was just flirtish texts about nothing in particular. Later that day I got to hear about how she wanted to be in the shower with me.  This girl has spent maybe 20 minutes with me in person.  Anybody else think that's weird?  I'm not saying she's a skank (she might be, I'm starting to detect some body image issues), what I am saying is that something is coming off strange to me.  Maybe she's a girl that hasn't always been this pretty, so she has to prove her sexual power over men by being a bit-- more than a bit, a lot-- of a tease.  Her personality tells me she's not always been attractive, she's way too goofy and willing to laugh at herself to be a hottie from day one.  

I think we are going to hang out soon.  Maybe tonight, maybe a few nights from now.  I don't know exactly what to expect.  Furthermore, I wonder if I should let go of the past with her and just live in the moment and be ok with that.  What's the worst that could happen?

On a side note, and as a result of a huuuuuge help from mah girl X, I now have installed a better counter on my blog.  Mainly I did it so that I could track customer satisfaction, buying trends, and advertisement for product placement.  As a result I discovered that someone who has visited this blog is remarkably close to me.  I mean, like freaky scary, 5 minutes away close.  Does that concern me? Nah.  If the person in question falls under the female classification, and is hot, I hope she hits me up.  And to the fella that is now following my blog: Thanks.  For some reason, I just feel very flattered by that.  Female that is close to me, leave a comment.  If you pay attention to the posts here, I'm sure you could see that you are around me

Separate Ways

Journey's song, Separate Ways, came on my iPod during my drive through a national forest and mountain roads.  I don't get up early enough to see the sunrise very often, but the solar watercolors leaked through the tree branches as the rays stretched arms across the landscape and into my open window.  Temperatures in the 60's, a dew soaked breeze pulled into my lungs, and I scream out with Steve Perry the famous lines of the chorus.  My voice finds better resonance a few octaves lower, but we all have moments of singing far out of our vocal range, and no one was around to be tortured.  Serpentine zips through switchbacks of hardwood forests, with a power chord-driven heart beater blaring, a day in the river awaits me.  The sun, what can I say about it? The warmth it provides escapes me too often.  Radiated heat is nice, but the emotional triumph contained in the spectrum can only be described by those who know it.  An incredible force, to be certain, pouring its gifts upon my spirit as my spirit pours its sentiments on the auditory environment.  For in the sun, in the virgin air, in the grass, whipporwills, and the heartbeat of the river, love lies.  Love in the perfection of our world, of our hope, of our faith, and in ourselves.  If we are nothing else, we are creatures of an incredible habitat, worthy of value and awe in the creation we are.  And in that environment, without expectations or scripts, that's all we have to be.  In lieu of searching for clarity through complexity and understanding, I see the beauty in understanding simplicity.  My heart opens, and beats as a part of something greater, my being transcends.  I am a miracle, and that truth finds power in the world I marvel at.

"Someday love will find you, 

Break those chains that bind you"

I know the song isn't about this, I know the lyrics aren't a masterpiece worthy of note, but it was the song that played.  Those were the words I expelled.  That was the sentiment I knew.  

Kayaking bitch

This particular entry began with no central idea in mind.  I am a bit consumed by pouting at the moment.  Something I wanted is no longer available to me: A boat, more specifically a kayak, that I really, really wanted has been sold.  This sounds a little lame, but kayaks can be hard to come by, especially used models for people of my stature.  Throw in that it was only an hour or so away, and I could have made some money off the deal, and I am moping with the fervent passion of a grade-schooler.  My boat is fine and all, but this other boat offers more opportunity to do what I want on the water.  Displeasing though it is, my hope lies in the future, and new skills I have recently come into.  Hopefully I will be able to finally be challenged by some water in the near future, and see just how much I can make of those chances.

Continuing the same thought, kayaking gear can be quite pricey. Google it if you are bored some time, and you will see just what I am talking about.  A piece of equipment I bought recently failed, despite my only having used it four times, and I called the manufacturer to discuss my options.  I was told that the section that failed did not fall under their warranty coverage, and it was most likely my fault.  The 300 dollar article of clothing had a piece of rubber tear, and somehow that can be attributed to me.  The great news is, the manufacturer suggested I pay to fix it, which I think sounds really swell.  God knows when I dropped the cash for it I thought, "Four good uses, and I'll get to replace the neck gasket!" Want to know why our nation is in a recession? How about your company not making a product for an extreme sport that can hold up to the rigors it will be put through? I am well aware that rubber can break down after exposure to water, Mr. Manufacturer.  So why don't you cover that in your warranty, considering the stupid thing is supposed to keep my dry when I am kayaking in the....WATER!! Nice consumer confidence, way to lure more money out of me to stimulate this shit hole economy.  The hell of it is, I don't feel like freezing my balls off next time I get in my boat, so I am going to have to pay to get it fixed.  Unbelievable.