An Explanation, Sort of

I was going through some stuff last week, stuff that isn't fair.  Why I expected life to be fair, who knows?  Here's a back story, of sorts:

My job is lonely and doesn't pay me, literally, at all. The lack of money means I really can't do much of anything except stay home, and I cannot stand on my own feet, which is a great source of pride for me.  This is a bad place to be, and I don't know how to escape it.  This causes despair.

There are a few females in my life, most of whom I know via the internet, who live a day's trip away.  A month ago all of them were arranging ways to see me in person.  Currently, two have since acquired partners, leaving me to feel like the platonic gay friend.  I got especially upset when a few girls have spoken to me as though they were doing me a favor in talking to me.  Granted, I was probably a little needier than I should have been, but if we were to look into their past histories with me, I think we would have see who has always been the one clamoring for affection.  My pride is something that keeps me rigid, that keeps me standing: I do not show dark, vulnerable emotions, not because someone could hurt me (maybe that's why), but because I need to be seen as a strong, able man.  To think that someone sees me as less, or as a clingy boy, that devastated me when I was already beginning to go to dark places.  

I realized that I need to just live in real life, where I am, with real people.  These girls are not who I am.  I need to take an active role in my life, and just do more.  I am joining a fraternity, puke if you want, but I am still the same person, and I would rather regret doing it than regret not doing it.  

As an update, SL and I have gone rounds a few times over different arrangements to see one another.  I am still feeling a little weird about the whole thing, but I am planning on visiting with her sometime in the next week face to face and modeling for her.  

Which brings me to HNT: a new picture will be posted tomorrow, so I expect to see my blog hits go up exponentially on Thursday like they typically do.  An interesting side note, someone found my blog by googling: "naked nude male men."

Am I that repetitive?