Repeater

When I hear a song I like, or a show I like, or a dish I like, but especially the song thing, I like it. I repeat it. Over and over it plays, and over and over I like it. Today, yesterday, I have been getting into bed and repeating a word over and over: push. I don't know what it means exactly. I don't know why I'm saying it, but my heart is pounding, and all that is in my mind is push. Sometimes I believe I want to push someone, push them away; sometimes I believe I want to push myself, push towards a goal or objective. Then again, maybe I just want to push against something, to have active adversary or resistance. I want it tattooed in big block letters on my body, as if putting it down like that will allow me to release its repetitive grasp on me.

In other news, an update: The Princess is back, she called me and said "I want to try us again, I want to date you." I agreed to it, with some stipulations. I am going to be emotionally reserved, but display the overtones of a lover with sensitivity. Basically I am lying to her, making her believe I am interested to a point. If she comes through, then great, I may actually come up to meet that projected level. If she flakes out like she did before, or if I feel like it's right, I'm gonna let her know it was all a lie. Fuck her either way.

Virginia is getting closer and closer to coming here. She was supposed to come in the summer, and I have basically been waiting to get a job until she came, because I didn't want to leave her alone for long stretches of time, and I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. I hope she comes soon, I'm running out of saved money. I'm just not sure how this will end, or how I want it to end even. On the one hand, she is so compatible with me. We are similar in so many ways, but a lot of days, I feel like there's a spark missing. I remind myself that spark (which I feel with the Princess) is probably my deep and ingrained desire for drama and a woman who is cold, unavailable, etc. She's not boring, but I don't know.

And a new character, whom I haven't thought of a clever name for, has arrived. She is perplexing. I keep her name amongst contenders because I may soon be in proximity to her, and she's hot. She is young, and she shows it. I get actually annoyed with some of her immaturity, but at the same time, I find aspects of it refreshing. Oh well.