PG

When I write posts in a flux of emotion, I usually want to come back and read them before I actually post them.  Yesterday I didn't do that, I slapped it up there without letting it grow cold on me.  Having experienced time away, I still think I made the right decision.  She shared some things with me that I did not relate in my post, some things that I felt were private to her.  While I understand that this blog is anonymous and she disclosed the information to someone she hardly knew, they still felt very secret.  

We exchanged some texts the next day, basically as a means for me to give her my number.  I don't really know where I want to go from here.  It felt good to do what we did.  My naivety, inexperience, whatever label you want to affix to it might be tainting my views, but it just felt natural.  Carefree, fun, organic interactions.  The time leading up to the bedroom were fun, and I had a really good time.  I like her.  I'm attracted to her heart.  Broken and fucked up as it might be, I am drawn to it.  Most likely because my broken, fucked up heart aches for the chance to fix someone else's.  Her hotness is a factor, but I stopped short of having sex with her for a reason.  My friends asked me at the party what my intentions were, and I remembered saying I just wanted to have sex.  Something changed, and I changed my mind.  

Right now I'm feeling really squishy about the whole thing.  Squishy being the word I use to describe the softer side of me: the romantic, the vulnerable, the faithful.  And here is what I wonder, do I feel squishy about her? Or do I feel squishy about the idea of a relationship?  Watching a movie with her, talking to her in soft voice, telling her the blanket she's had since grade school is still ok to cover up with, all of this pulled at my squishy part.  To be clear, I'm not in love with her, not really sure she's a stable or logical person.  At this moment I am enamored with the idea of having a female I can share the softer moments with.  

As good as those relationships are, I am not looking forward to being involved in one.  I am a different person than the guy who made his mistakes with that girl, but I am not sure how different I will be once I enter back into that room.  The exploration and understanding of another person, the honesty it takes, the bravery required, the challenge of discovery enthralls me.  The sting of the backlash paralyzes me.  So now the question is clearer:

Am I willing to love someone so that I can be in love, or am I too neurological to escape my preventative techniques?  

I suppose, thinking back, that the good times are worth the bad, and all the stupid cliches you can dream up.  Maybe, after a year and half, I can go do it again.  If I get slapped down, I'll at least have a little more fun, and know a little better, and learn a little more.  All my talk about the emotional intelligence of the college aged might be true, but maybe I need to be reckless with my heart for a little while.  

I guess with her, I'll just play it cool and not text her, let her come to me, or not.  I'll just buckle and call her and ask her if she wants to go grab a smoothie and talk for 20 minutes, or not.  I would much rather never talk to her again, if she wanted it to be a single occurrence.  I never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, want to be the fool.  The feeling of being played, embarrassed, needy, desperate, out of power and control is the most aversive and despicable feeling in the world.  And now that I've established how one crazy person is drawn to another, I suppose I'll shut up