Penguin is a very funny creature.

I have no qualms about saying last night was the most fun I have had since I have been in college.  The party I went to was full of people I knew, people I liked, and people I could have a good time with.  People weren't just standing around working the 16 oz. plastic cups, the mood was light, and everyone was enjoying themselves. I got my mojo working early on, landed some numbers, pissed some people off, had a good time.  The first girl was pretty darn cool, and had some nice teeth.  I'm a sucker for a good set of chompers, what can I say? 

As the evening progressed into the morning, I caught the eyes of someone looking at me.  The room was dark, someone had turned on the black lights (classy, I know), and these ghostly blue eyes kept their gaze on me.  We started talking, and we started having a lot of laughs.  The blue eyes were coming from the hottest girl at the party, the hottest girl I've ever seen at a party, and, pending further input from respected sources, the hottest girl I've ever seen on campus.  Blonde, dark tan, so petite she can wear kid's clothes, and a beautiful set of lips. Lips so sexy and perfect they looked synthetic.  Not big lips, just the shape and pucker of them made me jump.  I was playing with her a lot, teasing her, carrying on.  She couldn't help but playfully hit, touch, lean in to, and all other forms of sophomoric flirting involving contact me.  She kept testing me, trying to leave to watch me follow.  I stayed firm, and she cam back.  We danced, we kissed, we enjoyed the comfy ass leather couch at the house.  When it came time to leave, she invited me and my friends back to her place to hang with her and her friends.  

Cutting to the juicy stuff, I wound up in her room, with the lights off, so that we could watch a movie.  Honestly, why even try to put up the façade? Just lay it out there, and let it ride.  Before we could turn the lights off, I noticed the abundance of penguins in the room.  We are talking a lot of penguins, everywhere: posters, books, figurines, beanie babies, and the stuffed penguins on the bed, each of whom were named.  Without any hassling from me, she began apologizing and saying she was sorry for all the penguin stuff.  She said she hoped I wouldn't think she was weird, and really became almost afraid.  I told her it was ok, girls can get away with the penguin stuff.  But in that moment, and a few minutes that followed, I felt like I saw her vulnerabilities.  She seemed very lonely, sad, bereft of joy.  Suddenly, I didn't want to hit-it and quit-it.  I felt really, really sorry for her.  

We exchanged massages.  Well, she walked on my back, the awesomest thing ever, especially when it's a person with small feet!  I did give her a proper Shitzsu massage before we took advantage of the movie setting to make-out.  By this time, it was really late.  The sun would be coming up soon, and she said she needed to sleep.  I agreed, and prepared to take my leave.  Then she said, "Do you want to go to sleep?"  I took the hint, and again saw the same loneliness I had seen earlier.  This wasn't a woman ready to ravish some guy in her penguin-padded pad, this girl asked with shame in her voice.  Almost like, "If I fuck you, will you accept me?"  This maybe isn't the best wording, but I felt her sorrow in the question.  I said that I could let her sleep, and that I had spent a great night with her, and I would see her again sometime.  Then she reinforced my empathy when she asked if I would stay with her.  

This girl is about my age, cosmopolitan beauty, an incredible body, and I'm sure has been pursued by many people who put me to shame.  But at 4:30 in the morning, with her best friends a room away, she asked some guy she had known for 4 hours to sleep in her bed with her.  Not to fuck, not to cuddle, not to make-out, to sleep.  In the hours that followed in her bed, I didn't sleep.  She clung to me like ivy to a wall.  I wrapped my arms around her, encircling her, breathing with her.  I could not stop hurting for her, for the pains she must have suffered, for the emptiness she felt.  Maybe some of it was projection, but I think a great part of it was shock.  This girl should never have to spend a second alone, countless men would worship her, but I think that's how she feels so much: alone.  This completely broke my perspective on women.  These incredibly beautiful women are valued for this gift they had little to do with, most likely (I don't know, since I am neither a woman nor beautiful) misled and deceived about the amount of love they are receiving, and then betrayed to find out they were not loved for their person, but for their face.  

I finally got why women like this simultaneously adore, flaunt, employ their beauty while they resent, mourn, wish to be relieved of it.  What a conflict that must be, and how lonely it must feel.  I am sorry for her, and for any person who has ever felt betrayed by their own body.  The night (morning would be more accurate) was uneventful, except for the inordinate amount of trips to the potty I had to take.  The party was very hot, and I drank a lot of water, and I remembered every 15 minutes why drinking a gallon and a half of water before bedtime is a bad idea.  

I wrote this post as soon as I could, to capture this sudden new view.  Fact is, I may have misjudged the situation completely.  She might have been a little tipsy, a little sleepy, and that's why I saw her actions like I did.  But the progression makes sense to me, or at least it did at 6:30 in the morning when she was balled up on my body, and I was watching the sunrise through the window. Day broke across my face, and over the face of the penguin on the bed.  A cold world like that would be nice to escape from in the warmth of caring arms.

PS

This is a Silly Symphony, Walt Disney style, about penguins.  I like the song, reminds me of her.