HNT: Rain comes and brings with it paddling

This is an older picture of me paddling. My arms are naked, so it counts. It's raining like made here, so that means I'll get to paddle (hopefully) these next few days.

Currently, ish

I just noticed that I use "ish" a lot. Anyhooser, I just graduated from college.

Hold the applause, cancel the parade, it was an undergraduate degree, and I am not a convicted felon or disabled person. College was like high school, with longer papers and more irrelevant classes and more politics in the classroom. It was NOT hard, it was NOT a challenge, and it was not that enjoyable. Not the time of my life, not the best years, not any of that.

Now I'm a college degree holder with absolutely no plan for the future. I don't know what career I will choose, I don't have any romantic interests (more on that subject in a moment), I still live with my parents. This is a popular sentiment, I'm sure.

I think most people who ask "So, what are you going to do now?" are just misguided and making small talk. For my entire life to this point, someone has told me what the next step is, what I will do. School was my life, my career, my identity. It was my obligation. Now I have nothing to define me. Thrown into the world with a college degree and a sarcastic mouth, and expected to know more than I do.

Don't mistake this for complaining, because I'm happy to be out of school. I did it for 17 years, and I'm glad it's over. Am I talented enough to succeed in graduate school? yes. Do I want to go? That's a mixed question. Something within me wants to go, but I think for the wrong reasons. The only reason I feel grad school would serve would be to delay having to make a decision and begin my adult life. I would argue there is a healthy portion of grad school students who do this, and I have a precious life to begin. (read sarcasm there)

So what DO I plan to do at this point? I am going to go get a waiting job: something at a chain restaurant like outback or tgi lick my pussy's. I can make 800 bucks a month, work 20 hours a week, and do what I want during the day. This is my immediate plan for the summertime, and I'll see what happens come september.

Romantically: SG walked right into me, literally, at graduation. It was a little awkward, because the last time we spoke, it ended poorly. I didn't write about this, I was pissed off and embarrassed, and it may be something to write about later. She is crazy, and hot, and I could have (and still may be able to) fucked her any time I desired. I didn't because of a lot of reasons, but that doesn't stop me from knowing how sexy she is.

A girl who has been vaguely mentioned before, and I are getting close. She lives some ways away, and plans to visit me over the summer. I'll call her Virginia. I'm excited to see her, but feel not completely committed. I feel like she entertains me, and we converse easily, but there are a lot of things I feel like I am missing with her. She's beautiful and fun and sweet and a bit of a freak, and I do like her a lot. Some X factor seems to not be there.

Two other people to mention in this heading are The princess (total daddy's girl with a chip on her shoulder) and the brag (she continually talks herself up like she's selling herself as a brand). The princess and I used to be very, very close, and I still like her a lot. She is sparks, she is reactive, and I really like it. It's a weird thing between me and her, as she is kinda hot and cold with me.

The brag is attracted to me, likes me more than she will admit, and is trying way too hard to impress me (I wish I could show you some of the things she says, it's like a junior high boy trying to out do another junior high boy). The kicker about that resides in the fact that she also doesn't want to admit it. She and a guy kind of maintain a relationship (they used to date, broke up, and still fuck), and it's a little too sophomoric for me. She's hot though, and a lot of a freak. Actually, all three of the girls here are freaks, in the same ways. Interesting

I want to Break free

I want to Break free,
I want to Break free.
I want to Break free from your lies, you're so self-satisfied, I don't need you.
I want to Break free.
God knows I want to break free.

I've fallen in love,
I've fallen in love.
I've fallen in love for the first time. This time I know it's for real.
I've fallen in love.
God knows I've fallen in love.

These verses oppose one another. I sing the first to the mirror, to the man who kills my heart, who is so sure of what should be. I've alluded to a Jekyll/Hyde type relationship within myself, but I think this is different. I can see myself in a chair, with another me in a chair sitting across: I grab me and shake me and say, "Get over it, move on, stop with this, stop feeling like you do. Go seize what you must." But I can't let go of the fears, the anxiety, and the concern. I'm so afraid of things.

The fear in me has washed the walls of color and put me in a cell. I build walls to protect, they imprison. I build a tower to judge and scorn, it isolates. I build armor to cover, it pins me to the ground.

Did you ever feel like one moment in your day, one moment in your week, the month could change your life forever? Feel like you were searching for it every second? Like a movie, or a novel, or the mythos you worship in your mind, something or someone MUST come along and wash your soul over with experience that makes you the man you want to become! Every day is that day for me. I cannot see beyond this waiting, waiting, waiting. No one comes to me, nothing changes me. My stubborn will bends to none, and I am the master of my fate.

That paradox is ridiculous: I am the master of my fate who is waiting for something to happen TO me?

Know why a girl hasn't come along and sneaked into my heart? I look to keep them away, I find ways to not be around them.

Know why I am graduating college and still don't know what I want to do? I continue to not commit.

I capitalized Break. I want to Break free from myself. From the binds of my blasphemy. I cannot be perfect and flawless, to do so is to be God, or attempt to. I forsake my humanity and wonder why I can't feel. God damn if I haven't broken my own heart, over and over. Never good enough, never matching up to what I SHOULD be. I see my infinite potential and cannot love it, I have to destroy my inability to know and do and be and succeed at everything. Not mommy or daddy's fault, mine.

I have fallen in love with myself, in the past, with the grace and understanding of being human. My most real and powerful experiences have been so simple, so epically uneventful.

But life still goes on,
I can't get used to living without you by my side.
I don't want to live alone.
God knows I've got to make it on my own.
So, can't you see, I've got to break free.

I know it's been a long time, and I know most people aren't reading this anymore, but..

I found it hard to blog over the past few months. Dwindling numbers, low drive, unappreciation for my attempts at humor, nudity, and thought provoking discussion kind of turned me off. It still has turned me off to an extent, but I thought it would be appropriate to say something to all you hardcore fans out there who've been looking for another entry like stoners wait for the next sublime album to come out (yes, I know that's impossible, but I heard a stoner say one time they wanted it to happen).

I graduate in a month.

Let that sink in

College has taught me a few things, and none of them are dependent on my major. Anyone who tries to tell you or people you know that your major matters is dead wrong.

I'm not dating anyone, I'm not trying to, I am still living with my parents, I am going to have to find a job soon, and I am a sexy bitch still. Nude pictures available on request.

If you read this/want to know more/want to see more, comment and I will be more prone to write more. Otherwise, Shakesperean au revoirs and lovelies, I'm out.

HNT: Thinking things, again

As we close out the decade, blady blady blah, here's me naked, and one of the more popular pictures I had.

Sexism

I had a discussion with a female friend recently about sex roles in society. While I am not an expert, nor a woman, I have an opinion that is smart, damnit.

The boundaries imposed upon women for years, some of which still exist, were not fair, I admit. However, many of these constraints were not motivated by subjugation or oppression. Women weren't allowed to vote or run for office because men thought (maybe with good reason) that politics is an ugly business, that a man's vote speaks for his household, and his wife had opportunity to affect that vote. Women were sheltered from military service, high-stress (and admittedly high-profile and high-pay) positions like medicine and law, and working outside the home for similar reasons. Whether women needed to be protected or whether such efforts just demonstrated that men viewed women as inferior isn't really the issue, as far as I am concerned. Adults shield children from many things, and their benevolence is not questioned. I am aware that inequalities in pay still exist between men and women, with some numbers saying women earn $.66 for every $1 earned by a man doing the same job. I don't think it's justifiable, but women will more happily accept a compliment or non-material benefit in lieu of monetary reward.

The disparity I currently notice has more to do with relationships than society. Women traditionally (50+ years ago) were homemakers: expected to raise kids, cook, clean, host, etc. Men were traditionally asked to be the sole bread-winner, to handle physical tasks around the house, to protect the house, to be the leader and final decision maker. I would argue that these perceived sexism roles were not as sexist as those which exist currently. More aptly, many of men's traditional roles have remained, while women have gained the upper-hand.

Many men are better cooks than their partners, clean more than their partners, and have taken on traditional female roles. Many women expect men to also fulfill traditional male roles: lift heavy things, mow the grass, check out nocturnal disturbances, fix the car, hold a job. I am not opposed to cleaning parts of the house, or getting my cook on, but doesn't equality mean that everyone is treated the same? Even more frustrating is that women often want a man who is strong, who makes decisions, who imposes boundaries on her, despite her constant nagging and bitching about wanting a say-so and the like.

The most blatant examples coming to mind involve courtship rituals: dates, chivalry, etc. Men were once expected to walk on the outside of the sidewalk, to sacrifice their coats to a puddle, to stand up when a woman entered the room, to open doors and pull out chairs. The reason we did all of this was because women were dainty, soft beings who needed us to give of ourselves. We as men were pursuers, making an effort to demonstrate our worth and ability to protect. Women didn't complain then, and I have never heard a woman complain when I opened the door for her. The motivation was sexist, but a woman enjoyed the results.

When two people go on dates before they being a relationship, they are attempting to find out about the other person, to get to know them so they can see if a relationship is even possible. Men used to call upon women at their homes, and sit with their families or outside their homes and talk to the girl. The girl's father owned her, and the man could not socially take her from the home without taking her on as his property (which explains the tradition of a man asking a woman's father for permission to marry his daughter, can't take a man's stuff without asking him). Modern work schedules require that people meet during dinner time, so people meet at restaurants, and eat while conversing. This adaptation to demands isn't the problem. What I take issue with is the paying. I have been eating with a female multiple times, and the check came only for her to look at me like, "Go ahead and take care of that". What women don't realize is that when a man pays for her dinner, she is basically putting a monetary value on her time. I don't pay for girls' meals anymore, because when I employ the services of a prostitute, I don't have to put up with her bitchy mouth except for when it's on my body.

"Men should pay, be chivalrous, and because that's what men do, and that's the traditional thing to do to make a woman feel special."

"Women should raise my children, clean my home, and cook my food, because that's what women do for men who are chivalrous and act traditionally. Oh, and because she doesn't get to eat her cake and have it too."

I found this today, just by chance

Tiger and me... The first and exclusive look.

It's been almost three weeks. Three weeks of pressure, phone calls, harassment, and coercion. I don't care what he does to me though, my heart is telling me to get rid of this demon. Tiger Woods and I have been sleeping together ever since his knee injury. In fact, I was responsible for that injury. He messed it up jumping down from a ladder that he had to use to...abuse me with. We liked it rough, rather, he did.

I am sparing all the golf jokes about wood and balls and driving it deep, because I loved him. He was my boss, and my daddy, and he said he was going to leave his wife for me; that he had finally found himself as a gay man; that he was going to use his money to discreetly fund a Constitutional amendment guaranteeing gay marriage rights. He said all the girls who always called him were his hetero girl friends who went shopping and starbucksing with him. I was the "wife" that he talked about on that voicemail.

I'm breaking the story here instead of giving it to TMZ or E! Online, because I still love him, and I don't want to hurt him like all those selfish bitches. He is misunderstood, lonely, and all alone. People only love him for his fame, his image, his fame, what he can do for them. I knew the real Tiger, Eldrick. He was a man of character, who protected my heart from the terror of loneliness.

I love you, E. Come back to me!