I want to Break free

I want to Break free,
I want to Break free.
I want to Break free from your lies, you're so self-satisfied, I don't need you.
I want to Break free.
God knows I want to break free.

I've fallen in love,
I've fallen in love.
I've fallen in love for the first time. This time I know it's for real.
I've fallen in love.
God knows I've fallen in love.

These verses oppose one another. I sing the first to the mirror, to the man who kills my heart, who is so sure of what should be. I've alluded to a Jekyll/Hyde type relationship within myself, but I think this is different. I can see myself in a chair, with another me in a chair sitting across: I grab me and shake me and say, "Get over it, move on, stop with this, stop feeling like you do. Go seize what you must." But I can't let go of the fears, the anxiety, and the concern. I'm so afraid of things.

The fear in me has washed the walls of color and put me in a cell. I build walls to protect, they imprison. I build a tower to judge and scorn, it isolates. I build armor to cover, it pins me to the ground.

Did you ever feel like one moment in your day, one moment in your week, the month could change your life forever? Feel like you were searching for it every second? Like a movie, or a novel, or the mythos you worship in your mind, something or someone MUST come along and wash your soul over with experience that makes you the man you want to become! Every day is that day for me. I cannot see beyond this waiting, waiting, waiting. No one comes to me, nothing changes me. My stubborn will bends to none, and I am the master of my fate.

That paradox is ridiculous: I am the master of my fate who is waiting for something to happen TO me?

Know why a girl hasn't come along and sneaked into my heart? I look to keep them away, I find ways to not be around them.

Know why I am graduating college and still don't know what I want to do? I continue to not commit.

I capitalized Break. I want to Break free from myself. From the binds of my blasphemy. I cannot be perfect and flawless, to do so is to be God, or attempt to. I forsake my humanity and wonder why I can't feel. God damn if I haven't broken my own heart, over and over. Never good enough, never matching up to what I SHOULD be. I see my infinite potential and cannot love it, I have to destroy my inability to know and do and be and succeed at everything. Not mommy or daddy's fault, mine.

I have fallen in love with myself, in the past, with the grace and understanding of being human. My most real and powerful experiences have been so simple, so epically uneventful.

But life still goes on,
I can't get used to living without you by my side.
I don't want to live alone.
God knows I've got to make it on my own.
So, can't you see, I've got to break free.