Third's the number

Three's the number: Third button, Third Picture, Third day of the week.  So maybe third's the word.

The Second in a Series

As promised, the second in a series of more than two. More to come.

Welcome back.

As a way of welcoming myself back, I decided to take a series of pictures.  Starting with an outfit I think flatters me, I made an interesting set of shots.  Tomorrow, I'll bring the next one, so look forward to it.

My First Time(s)

I have a strange, atypical sexual history.  Skipping the sexual experience I gained before I turned 13, which was bizarre by all means, I had my first kiss when I was 14.  First real kiss: tongue, hands, bodies, kissing for only one purpose.  That was followed closely by making out (if there is a difference), and my hands under clothes.  When I was 16, I removed her clothing and put my mouth on her nipples.  Biting came naturally, almost unnaturally available to my mind.  She enjoyed it.

If you remember the last adventure I referenced with Priscilla, then you know the next step in my sexual ladder after the above mentioned teeth and lips on nipples.  After that incredibly porn-like experience, I had to escalate the situation.  We were at my house, my parents were gone for another 3 days, no one was around.  Making out led to an exchange of what should happen next, with both parties agreeing it had to get freaky in a hurry.  She suggested sex, I suggested the shower. We removed clothing, got in, continued the making out, and then sex came back up.  I didn't have any protection, and I did not want to be a moron.  

She agreed that vaginal sex wasn't the answer, and suggested we just have anal sex. 

Whoa.  

Anal sex.

You're 17, have watched a typical amount of porn, are in a shower with a sexy blonde and a pounding reminder begging you to do it.  You don't know anything about what's waiting on the other side of this decision, because it can't be that different than the feeling you get after you jack off, right?

I told her to put her hands on the shower head.  I tried to insert myself as well as I knew how.  It didn't work.  It was tight, the water from the shower had dried out our skin, and exacerbated the problem.  Thanks to the fellas at Old Spice for providing me with body wash, so that I could grab the bottle and apply a copious amount of the blue goo to all the involved parts.  That worked.  I slid myself inside of her.  She whimpered, I groaned.  Then the fucking began.  

My hands faced each other as the pads of my fingers became familiar with her hip bones.  The water ran down her hair, following gravity's path across her skin, falling into the cleft of her ass and dividing its stream over my cock.  I continued my warpath, the ideas of porn in my head as I used my entire being to go as hard and fast as I could.   She came.  Her ass squeezed my cock with consistent force, and she got weak in the knees.  I began to pull out to stop, when she implored me to continue.  

Now, up to this point, I was having an okay time.  "OKAY? You were 17, doing something that most men fantasize about, and some men have to beg or pay to do!!!! What is wrong with you?"

The emotions I had been warned about began to affect me.  I was feeling guilty, shameful, unfortunate, and like I wanted to go.  Also the heat and steam in the air, mixed with the smell of the body wash, mixed with the smell of something else that I should have been prepared for, but didn't, all were beginning to make me a little nauseous.

Needless to say, I fucked her some more.  I reached around and rubbed her clit, I pulled her hair, I really did the picturesque job I had aspired to.  I didn't orgasm, didn't come close, and at the end trying very hard to stay hard.  I think it's really difficult for me to cum standing up, as I have since tried with a variety of stimuli, none of which works.  I may not be able to let go enough, since I am fairly certain if I were to cum while standing up, I would finish on the floor after my legs gave out.  

We got out of the shower and dried off.  We both sat in my living room.  That image, along with the picture of her looking back at me during the act, grabs me.  I haven't forgiven myself for it.  I spent the next week showering and washing my hands with alarming frequency, I couldn't make the smell go away.  It was everywhere, and everyone who looked at me knew what I had done.  It's haunting when I see her to this day. 

I had gone from making out to anal sex.  No warm-up, no progression, no romance, no feelings of attachment.  I wasn't equipped with the ability to see the consequences of that, to see what would happen as a result.  I can't imagine, or would rather not to, what she must have felt like.  What a terrible decision, a decision I still can't get past.   

I had sex for the first time with a girl I didn't know very well.  I had vaginal sex for the first time with a girlfriend of 22 months who had just cheated on me 12 hours previous, and told me That sexual experience consisted of me sliding maybe 3 inches into her, and being halted as she couldn't take anymore. So, with a condom on, and the least amount of my cock inside her, I couldn't feel anything. She subsequently cheated again.  

The first time I had an orgasm while I had sex was with a woman who I can't even remember her name, but I do remember that the guilt and shame I felt.  I had problems staying hard, because of it.  

The first time I received a handjob was from my former stepmother, who, when I wasn't even 13 years old, told me to take a shower with her so that she could help me wash off.  Interesting I returned to the shower to take part in my first explicit sexual experience since.  Of course, I didn't orgasm, but it was a handjob nonetheless.

I don't believe I am the only person who has ever been a victim of traumatic experiences, sexually.  People have suffered far worse things, and my past would pale in comparison.  That being said, I know my progression has not been something people would consider average.  Taking into account the room of variation, I don't believe the crazy shit I have been a part of would qualify as standard.  

Hmm. 

The middle of summer is upon me, and I am bored.  I am bored with my job, I am bored with my daily activities, I am even bored with the internet (although relief exists).  

I posted on cL a few days ago, and got nothing in terms of feasible responses except one.  She backed out on me, and I am once again bored.   She was alright looking, better than my last attempt at this.  It would have been something to do, something to think about, and something to break the monotony.  As an update on some other things:

SG is a crazy person.  Throughout the past months, I have come to realize more and more that this girl doesn't operate like most people.  It's like she loves the idea of me on the other end of a phone, but she gets intimidated with me in reality.  She's not playing games (ok, well she is playing games) but not in a quit-playing-games-with-my-heart style.  I have never let her know that I have any regard for her as a person. No compliments, no affectionate emoticons in a text. She and I hung out once or twice, and every time she was clearly very happy to be around me.  I don't want to date her, I just want to fuck her.  The vendetta grows every day I don't get what I want.  We will see how this pans out, but I anticipate we will see each other again once school begins.

I haven't talked to PG, save a few texts right after that night.  I don't really think about her, but I did want to close the story.  A night right before school ended, she and I saw each other downtown, I played it cool and aloof. End of story.

The Winner and I continue to get closer, but I see it not going well. She has a lot of self-esteem worries, inadequacies and the like.  I have an impatient need to not have any kind of actual relationship with anyone that I cannot physically see.  Her naivety in thinking this to be ok hurts me, since I will probably be the one to prove it wrong.  If she lived here, I would really enjoy getting to know her.  That isn't the case, and once again distance disallows me from that. She and I are set to meet in a city close to both of us, but home to neither.  I am looking forward to that, as it will at least give me something to do.

I am suspending my blogging.  My dozens of unfinished entries, my incredibly busy schedule resulting from finals, my ambivalence towards my original desire, and my apathy just dictate that right now I need to give it a rest.  It's getting a little difficult to keep the drive alive, and I am having some reservations about some things that have come to my attention.  Moreover, I feel different than I did when I started.  My interests are not the same as they were.  Standing in a different place while looking at the same things, the definition of maturation.  I can't keep doing the same things, my world does not tolerate still.  Still is ugly to me, I want to move, want to go, want to be in the middle of something motion, leave the eddy and touch the aerated water.  

TMI Tuesday: This one is really grown-up

1. Marriage and children aside, what has been your greatest accomplishment in life?

-Hahaha. Marriage and children aside, psh. As if I could simply set aside all 18 of my bastard sons.  I suppose  being who I am is the greatest success I have.

2. Aside from healthy and happy children, what is your greatest ambition for the future?

- Grow to be a great husband and father.  Be great.  A great man

3. If we were to enter your real name in a search engine, what would we find?

-A whole lot of people who have the same name as me. Blogs, Myspace music pages, even some Wikipedia articles

4. Who is the most famous person you ever met (not just in the same room as, but actually spoke with)?

-Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  Brad thought my Borat impression was funny.

5. Parents aside, who is your biggest hero?

-It used to be Michael Jordan, but I'm going with George W. Bush.

6. Someone once worked out the sexual version of Six Degrees of Separation - Celebrity A slept with B, who slept with C, who slept with D, making as sort of connection between A and D. Are you connected to anyone famous through six or fewer bonks?

-I haven't asked all my partners who their partners were partnered with.  So this question is not something I can roll with.