Darkness

I have been struggling the last few days with dark feelings, dark thoughts.  I am better today, which gives me the chance to talk about what I was experiencing.  As a preface I would like to say that I realize how juvenile and immature some of these thoughts are, that I shouldn't be this upset when I am not having any serious problems, that I am selfish, or whatever else. 

As a rule, I don't feel anger as much as I do sadness.  Sadness, guilt, shame are pretty easy emotions for me.  Easy for me to access, easy for me to fall into.  Recently it has been anger, hopelessness, and a want to hurt something.  I find myself with a strong urge to physically harm someone, to really unleash my pain onto them, to release the governors and ache with rage.  My better thoughts prevent me from doing anything like this, so I instead decided it would feel good to harm myself. 

I don't know about cutting, I frankly don't want to have to explain the blood and scars.  I do know that punching or striking something until my hands bleed seems both fulfilling and easily explained (I scraped my knuckles while I was working on my car).  When I played high school football, my position required a lot of impact on my head, the forehead and body.  Something about that felt good, and soothed me, and I miss it.  I am not quite foolish enough to punch myself in the face, but the thought of getting in a fight and taking a few shots doesn't sound terrible.  

When I wake up, I don't look forward to anything.  Well, maybe lunch, but other than that, I just feel like I go to class so that I can graduate, and I go to work so that my parents won't be mad at me.  I then spend time goofing around until it's time to sleep and repeat the process.  I was suffering from overwhelming boredom (not that it has left), but now I just feel quite hopeless. Like nothing will improve, nothing will matter, like tomorrow and today are the same, thus a waste of my life as it is passed doing things I don't enjoy. 

More than ever, I'm having problems enjoying things.  Sex being example one.  9 months ago, I could get aroused over nothing, incredibly out of control aroused.  Massively, full, thick erections that needed to be muzzled and put in isolation for fear of their destructive force.  

Now, I don't really care about sex, don't watch porn, don't want to do anything sexual.  I will jack off, but it's really just something to do, like watching tv.  It doesn't feel good, it just is 15 minutes that I don't have to be sitting.  

I have to quit my job.  I work for my father, with my stepmother supervising, kind of.  I don't have anyone that I work with, I'm basically alone for 4 hours everyday, and I hate the nature of the work.  This is the single thing I can, without a doubt, point to as causing the majority of my negative feelings.  I feel like nothing I do is worth anything, like it is like a fart in the wind. Just gone instantly.  I don't get paid, which isn't a huge ordeal, because I wouldn't want to do this work if I did get paid.  I'm starting to really dislike my stepmom and father, because I feel like they are the ones keeping me here. 

I tried to quit a few weeks ago, and my father told me I couldn't.  He doesn't support me in any way financially, apart from letting me live in his house and feeding me, but I don't think it should have to come to a discussion of me walking out on him.  I shouldn't have to quit being his son for a few weeks just to remove myself from this position.  However, I do not know what I can do otherwise.  The longer I do this, the worse and worse it gets. I know quitting is the solution.  Getting another job where I am around people, where I get to make money and not be in financial starvation mode, and where I can just be happier with my family will create a much better atmosphere for myself.

Until that happens, I am trying to avoid those parts of me that can cause damage.