The Winner's Exclusivity

The Winner, believer in exclusivity, and champion of faithfulness decided she was going to show me a thing or two.   She and I had not talked for some time, and when she got on the phone, her mood was subdued.  Our conversation previous to this had ended with her in tears and me refusing to give in to her demands.   Therefore, I was not surprised to hear her acting less than happy with me.  I began talking to her, telling her how I witnessed the drunkest girl I have ever seen, and how someone I know had proceeded to get this girl's number while her knees bled from multiple wounds suffered from multiple falls.  She reported that she had gotten pretty drunk also, and she had done other stuff she wasn't proud of. 

I asked what she meant.  She said she got hammered, smoked weed, and then fooled around with some guy.  A few weeks ago, she told me how she was never going to drink again after watching how her parents had behaved under the influence of alcohol, citing her aversion to following in their footsteps.  I asked her about why she changed her mind, and furthermore, why she proceeded to take it too far, like past just a buzz and into hammered.  Then I was curious as to why she felt like smoking weed would augment her experience. 

I have never done any of that, so I wanted to know, to gain perspective, and to see life through her eyes.  She told me that she did it because she was mad at me and wanted to "not care." She told me she felt guilty about what she had done. I don't care, and I don't know if I buy that, the interesting thing about all this was my new perspective.

I have a few friends who I talk nasty with every now and then; relationships that are organic.  The Winner is the only girl who I have declared and felt more deep intimate emotions with.  When my ex told me, while we were still dating, that she had cheated on me, I knew it before she told me.  I just knew.  I knew her, I knew what she was, and it was clear. With The Winner, I knew what she did once she said she got wasted.  I didn't know how far it went, but I knew what had happened. 

I felt slightly betrayed.  I felt like she had said something to me and then did another.  Strange, that after crying and yelling at me about how she needed someone to care for her, she would do that.  I don't blame her, because she did what she wanted, and I practically told her to go fuck with someone else.  I just don't like how I felt, I don't like that I briefly revisited my feelings of inadequacy from long ago.  I guess I am not as smart as I would have guessed, and she's not as true as she might have seemed.