Tick Tock Tick Tock

Seconds dripping. Minutes crawling. The wait has been long. I have tried different things, taken steps, whatever means I could find.  I just recently became old enough to give my patronage to bars and clubs (thanks to my Puritan city's decision to outlaw all of those under 21 from entering such an establishment.  Quick two questions: House Parties aren't dangerous? and I can go to Iraq and be shot at, but I am not old enough to decide whether I can handle some liquid?), so that is now an option I can explore.  What am I looking for? Any woman capable of challenging me mentally, emotionally, and physically.  Keep in mind that I, despite my shortcomings in the area of confidence with women, am still an incredibly strong young man.  Females often lose my interest merely on the basis of being boring to me.  My self-inflicted celibacy is the result of this.  My brother's on and off girlfriend threw herself at me a few times over the past year, and I let it go a little while before I quashed the notion.  Other girls who are just far too predictable fell short of holding my interest.  Would I go home and make good on all my poetic musings with a girl who is incredibly hot? Hell yes, I would.  That's a challenge, physically, and who said we were getting married.  Would I spend some time getting to know a female able to bust my balls, rival my wit, and keep me on my toes? Most likely.  The combination of the two might just dirty up my knee with a marriage proposal.  Not really, since that woman only exists in the space between my temples.  I'm rambling now.  Here is a list of things that enter my mind when I am desiring amorous companionship:

1. An older (late 20's all the way to 40's) woman with an above average body.  Someone looking for a young, good-looking guy like myself to make her feel great again.  This woman would expect nothing of me beyond the things she wanted most.  Perhaps she is with a partner, perhaps I can fulfill a need others can not, perhaps she just wants to escape and feel free of temporal reminders.  I am not to decide, but this is my number 1 fantasy. 

2. A female (I use this term in regards to those members of the fairer sex not yet women who have matured past being a girl) worth my time.  Someone I can invest more than intimacy in.  Emotion, feeling, love, lust, all of it.  Not a girlfriend, since I don't really believe in those. (Sarah, you understand).  

3.  A girl (in mind, not age) that is physically incredible.  For one reason or another, this trades positions with number 1 depending on my mindset at the time.  This has been a girl I have feared most of my sexually-mature-enough-to-care-about-females-in-that-way life.  My self image has always been that of an ugly exterior with a sparkling personality, and I always feel inadequate to hook this type of person.  Lately, I have been wanting to find this girl and to crush her.  To snare her with emotion, to have her thirst for my every drop of attention, to deceive her enough to find vulnerability, and then to tell her how shallow and weak and meaningless it all was.  Vengeance for all the girls that did similar things to me in reverse fashion, perhaps.  Perhaps it's just my way to feel powerful over them.  I doubt I could ever have the psychopathic ability to do such  thing, but the thought has not been anomalous.  

And thus, I feel my young life ticking away. My desire, ability, and want to find these different types of partners dwindling.  I know I am still very young, but for a person who has waited quite a long time, relatively, this seems inconsequential.  

On a side note, if you know of someone that fits this bill, and is looking for a person like me, my email can be accessed by speaking to my secretary.